Monday, April 27, 2009

Top 10 Worst Kisses

Ahhh, the first kiss. What a wonderful moment! Something to fantasize about when you are deeply in like with someone. I sit and daydream about him slowly moving in and smiling, and I close my eyes and imagine him gently pushing his lips against mine. Then rewind and replay, until I have thoroughly plotted out the entire event. And, when the moment arrives, and he slowly moves in and smiles, I start to close my eyes, then pause, because I want to see this movie moment in action, and find myself …. ducking and screaming because I’m being attacked by dragon face, he’s coming straight at me, lips curled and tongue protruding, and I wasn’t even prepared.
Could there be anything worse than a bad kisser? At my age this is completely unacceptable! Hasn’t there been a partner, sometime in their dating history, who liked them enough to say, “Hey, you’re not so good at the whole kissing thing, let me teach you how”? I have come across a number of bad kissers; it’s not an isolated incident, and what do you do; besides politely wipe the slobber from your face and excuse yourself, escape route in mind? I think it’s time to start talking about it, if I was a bad kisser I’d want help improving, so lets discuss the top 10 kissing offenses we are guilty of, in no particular order:
Offense #1:
Dragon Face. I start with the dragon face, because it is a newly acquired kissing mishap in my life. And the mental image still gives me the heebie jeebies! This poor man went in for this kiss, at a particularly awkward moment, with his lips curled back in a lizard-esque smile, his tongue pointing out of his mouth, the tip wiggling at me as if to say, “Hello baby, here I come.” I didn’t want to be rude, so I pulled away, smiled, and said I needed to go home. I couldn’t kiss Dragon Face guy, I just couldn’t! This inept style of kissing was frightening, and kissing should never invoke fear.
Offense #2:
The slobberobbergus. You know the guy who manages to hit every spot on your face with his tongue other than your lips. It’s like he closes his eyes and his directionally challenged tongue is going on an expedition of your face, destination: mouth, never to be found. And when you pull away, wondering if there is any reminisce of makeup left, he is slyly grinning at you, as if he has just opened you up to a new experience. And he has, you now know what a small child feels like when the big St. Bernard won’t quit licking its face, and you get the urge to cry as well.
Offense #3:
The Bird Beak. This is characterized by a hard tongue shape, moving in a rapid manner inside of the mouth of kissing partner, usually in a back and fourth motion. The tongue is not meant to be a ridged body part. Its purpose is soft, and gentle and probing. Not stiff, and abrasive, and thrusting. There are other body parts which can be appropriately used for those activities, don’t let your tongue steal their thunder. (Thanks Suzy!)
Offense #4:
Just eaten/bad breath. Now this is just rude! Behavior of this nature is not due to bad technique or nervousness; this is simply bad manners at their finest. You NEVER put food in your mouth, chew, and then move in for a kiss (I added chew as my disclaimer for the ever-so-seductive sharing of the food maneuver, which is totally acceptable when done correctly). But partially masticated food should not be shared between partners, it’s just gross! Garlic, onions and cigerettes, oh my! Remember, if it tastes funky to you, it will to your kissing accomplice as well.
Offense #5:
The black hole. This is another universally experienced bad kiss. When you look up and see a wide open mouth coming at you, a spacious span between top teeth and bottom teeth, and the fear of being consumed by this approaching black hole mixed with a sadistic curiosity of what you’d find if you stuck your head in there and explored overwhelms you; you know you’ve been a victim of the black hole. The only hope you have to turn and run before you’re devoured.
Offense #6:
The soul sucker. He slowly moves in and smiles, and he gently presses his lips to yours, and then you suddenly feel as if you’ve entered a void and all air is being extracted from your body at a rate faster than you can replace it. And as you fight to retain ownership of your soul, which is slowly being removed from your body, you struggle to detach from this vacummous power. Take a deep breath, and possibly refrain from the second kiss.
Offense #7:
The teeth fighter. Yes, teeth are in the mouth, and sometimes we all get a little excited and there is a minor fender-bender. When this is a constant occurrence, there is a definite problem! The teeth fighter feels their deadly weapon is actually a turn on, and proceeds to hit you with their teeth numerous times in varied ways. Eventually, you find yourself bleeding with a fat lip, and a not so great memory of the kiss. (Thanks Liz!)
Offense #8:
Scab chin. This is the guy who kisses with such ferocity of chin movement, mixed with the small grouping of pubic hair on his face, that minor chafage occurs. The next day you have a dry spot resembling a scab on your chin which hurts when you talk. Girls, it’s ok, we’ve all been there. Wear your scab proudly, especially if he was cute, but remember this make-out-war-wound, and try to steer clear of the chin action in your next canoodling session.
Offense #9:
The Marathon Kisser. Kissing is a wonderful and fun activity, and I understand the desire to never want to stop; but reality check, breathing is an essential part to sustaining life! We all need to do it. WARNING: occupation in lip locking for over 20 minutes can cause minor birth defects, brain damage from lack of oxygen, and a really sore tongue. Give it a break, take a breath, start off slow, and leave your smooching rival wanting more. This is not a race to the finish, unless you want to be finished. (Thanks Tammi!)
Offense #10:
Tonsil Hockey. No, this is not a real sport, and your tongue does not belong down my throat! This type of behavior is most often distinguished by a feeling of your stomach contents being searched, and nervousness over the onions you ate for dinner the night before… you never know, they could be discovered. On a serious note: there is an imaginary line drawn between the last molars in any persons mouth with a little sign that says, “Do not cross go, do not collect another kiss from me.” So if last kiss is the goal, by all means, forge ahead; otherwise politely backup and continue you exploration.

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