9 Things a Man Will Never Tell You

A man's mouth is like the back of an armored truck. We like to keep the door to our thoughts closed, locked, and protected by armed guards.
Why? Simply because we fear what trouble would spill out if you knew everything we keep inside. We fear you'd think we were pigs or pansies, and frankly, we fear for our safety (there's no correct way to answer a question that includes the words "fat" or "tummy tuck").
That said, we'll let you borrow the key—just this once—and take a look in this truck of valuable insight. Inside, you'll see the very things a man will never tell you about himself—and a few about you.
9. Girly Stuff
I like The Bachelor, Bioré nose strips, and piña coladas. Testosterone prevents us from admitting this to most women or within 500 feet of another penis. But be assured that we can call on estrogen reserves as needed.
Need someone to talk Bachelor smack with? Bring it on. Firestone made the best choice of them all, Bob's a doof, and Jesse's only shot at completing a pass all year was with Trish.
8. Singing
I'd much rather perform duets, but I have contractual obligations with my hormones to make solo albums. When it comes to the bedroom, women take offense if a man needs to take the microphone into his own hands—like it's a sign we're not satisfied with you.
Look, a solo performance is no substitute for the many beautiful tunes we've recorded together, but scheduling conflicts mean that we may occasionally need to riff by ourselves.
And hey, singing solo helps cure our insomnia, decrease stress, and keep us from putting finger-tapping indentations in your shoulder.
7. I'm Selfish
I'm selfish. The fact that I resist getting a dog doesn't mean I hate animals.
I see my future, and my future involves putting my hand in a plastic bag to pick up warm pug feces twice a day—for the next 12 years. The only thing I want to scoop 8,760 times in my life is butter pecan.
6. My Hang-Ups
I hate the way I look. You think you have issues? Men have more hang-ups than a telemarketer. We might walk around like chest-thumping primates, but our list of insecurities rivals yours.
Men may never admit they're bothered by their shoulder hair, or the fact that they're hung like a tugboat instead of a torpedo. But we're sure to pull out humor, intellect, money, or millions of other things we can control to compensate for the things we can't.
5. Cards
I pick cards for you solely based on the picture. Really, how is some Hallmark hack going to properly sum up what I feel for the woman who sizzles my bacon? Gimme two kids holding hands, and it's a done deal.
4. Fighting
I wish you'd fight like a guy. When two guys go at it on the basketball court, they get in each other's faces, yell, push, call each other pricks, then move on.
When you fight, I feel like I'm giving testimony you'll use against me in a trial 3 years from now.
That's why I flick to the Spanish channel when you want to mix it up. I'm exercising my right to remain silent, because I know it will be used against me in the court of you. Can't we just say what we need to, be done with it, and slap each other's butts?
3. Role Reversals
I desperately want you to buy me a drink (or throw me to the floor). As a predatory species, we're used to doing all the hunting.
We buy drinks, make the call, send flowers. We're bred to hunt, and we accept that evolutionary responsibility. But we're a tired species too. We're tired of the miles we've traveled searching for you, the enemies we've fought to win your attention, the damn droughts we've had to endure.
All we want is for you to occasionally take on the role of predator. Please attack.
2. My Own Time
I want to be alone. Not forever, not every day, and not just because I need 17 seconds to take care of the second thing on this list.
Men just want guys' night out to hang, drink a pitcher, watch football. We don't bring it up as often as we want because we think you'll get insulted.
Look, wanting to distance ourselves from our home base doesn't mean we don't like the team we're playing for. Give me a couple of hours every week and it's like giving Viagra to our relationship. It'll be longer and better.
1. I Love You
I love you more now than I did when we first met. I don't know why we never tell you, so let it be known that I do.
Of course, we adore the women who gave us the 2 best days of our lives: when our kids were born and our wedding day. Now how about I go ahead and give away that baseball card collection?